One day you see a strange little girl feeling blue

September will be beautiful

2011-08-31T10:36:00.000-07:00

Today went well. No food at school, got home around 4 and ate nothing for hours. Then I had a banana and did a 40 minute workout on my cross trainer. Later had a piece of chicken and broccoli.

And that's it at 8.30 pm. Pretty good I think.

And the best part? I don't feel too well. Why is that the best part? Because I don't think I'm able to eat anything like that for a while. It was the biggest meal (although still very small) in weeks.
I just have to stick to eating fruits and small things and loads of liquids. Otherwise I will feel like this again and that's not an option. I feel like I'm going to throw up...

So tomorrow NO real food what so ever. Just fruits and water and nothing that will make me feel full. And that's what it's all about isn't it. That weightless feeling.
Sounds perfect.

Good night guys!

Love, Maria

Weekend with mom

2011-08-28T11:39:00.001-07:00

I stayed at my mom's new place this weekend. I find new places to be fairly easy diet wise because new place means new eating habbits in that place. So it was more than easy to stick to my diet. I mainly ate pineapple, low fat yoghort and egg whites. I survived with bottles of diet coke and black coffee.

It's hard being around mom. She now weighs about 43 kilos and looks pretty bad. Anorectic.
She eats the same things every day, which means there's no weight gain. She is very fragile, but seems a lot happier now that she's back to work and everything. I love her so much and just want her to be okay.

On the other hand it makes the whole dieting thing sort of sad, being around her. Seeing what it can lead to. Seeing her struggle. Not that I still don't wanna lose weight, believe me I want and will, but I don't want to be as sick as her.

Anyways the weekend was beautiful. New beautiful place, beautiful diet and always beautiful mom, no matter what she weighs.

Still feels like nothing can stop me from reaching my goal this time. It's been more than two weeks and no bad days. Not one bad day. I will keep going.

Love, Maria

Flow

2011-08-23T13:41:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna keep on writing even if no one is reading, beacuse this is a huge motivation to do better. Having to post how the diet is going.

Still doing well.

Today I've had around 500 kcals, give or take. Hungry all the time. Starting to reach the point where hunger feels really good and comfortable instead of torture.

And I can already see changes in my body.

I've had too little to eat to be able to exercise a lot but I'd rather have my 500 kcals and workout a little bit than have 1000 plus and workout a lot.

No school or work tomorrow. Have to stay focused.

Maria

What a feeling

2011-08-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

I've had two more incredible days. I'm really happy with where this is going. I think I'm ready for my first weigh in soon (scared).

Yesterdays intake: 790 kcal (still a lot but something I feel comfortable with for now)

Workout: 45 min cross trainer and push ups

Today:

Breakfast: 1 banana and light energy drink, 120 kcal?

Lunch: low fat cottage cheese, 100 kcal and some tuna, 100 kcal

Snack: 2 small nectarines, 80 kcal

Dinner: 2 eggs, 160 kcal and broccoli, 50 kcal

Total: 610 kcal (getting better, yay!)

No workout today though, didn't have time for that today. Tomorrow I'm going to exercise more and my goal is under 900 kcal. You know the feeling when you realise that what you're trying to achieve is actually starting to happen? Somehow I just found the motivation again and it feels so good, like I'm home. And even though I probably haven't lost much weight yet, the confidence I will, is there and that's all that matters.

I will do this and this time I will keep the weight off! Just have to believe in myself. 52 kilos (maybe even less) here I come!

By the way, I've noticed that many of the familiar girls aren't really blogging anymore. (I didn't for a long time either though) I miss all those girls that were there with me from the beginning. Hope everyone's happy, that's what counts.

And I'm also happy to notice that some of you are still here, missed you guys!

Probably posting again tomorrow!

Good night lovelies, Maria

Motivated

2011-08-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

Getting into the whole weight loss thing again, slowly but surely.

Intake yesterday: 1212 kcals (similar to what my intake's been like for a week or so. I know it's still a lot, but hey it's a start)

Intake today: 170 kcals for a protein drink
130 kacls smoothie
40 kcals light energy drink
= 340 kcals total

Plus I did a 45 minute work out (cross trainer)

Instantly feeling way better! It's amazing what a little bit of a hunger does. Planning to go to bed early tonight, avoid late night binging...

Things are really looking good these days. I'll finish school in March and then I'm finally ready to move out of the house and look for a job.

I'm really going to try start posting regularly again.

My plan is to work out 3-4 times a week. 2-3 times during school days and once either Saturday or Sunday. And a 45 minute workout is enough for me. I know it's the intake that I have to control to really lose the weight. And weight wise, I still have know idea about my actual weight but it's way too much, that I can say for sure. Right now my goal is to be 52 kilos, it's something that I was fairly happy with and also something I think I might be able to maintain.

So official goal 52 kg!

My upper body is looking pretty good, it's my legs and butt that are looking hidious. I've always had a pretty flat stomach and skinny arms, but my legs are huge and ugly. So that's why I need to workout a little bit too.

Okay, enough for today! It's 6pm so I still have to avoid the kitchen another few hours. Better come up with something to keep me distracted.

Love, Maria

For those of you that might still be reading

2011-07-15T09:17:00.000-07:00

I wanted to tell you what has happened in my life since I've been gone.

I've been working and studying.

My mom has suffered anorexia for over a year now, but is getting better finally and is now at 45 kilos or something and will get back to work soon. She also broke up with her boyfriend of over 10 years and bought herself a new apartment. We've become quite close.

My best friend went to the US for an exchange year and during that time I had something going on with her boyfriend. And when she came she found out about it and now everything is screwed up as you can imagine. I've lost many friends because of that. But I've decided not to try and explain it, it happened and now I have to deal with it. Losing my best friend is the hardest thing I've ever experienced though.

Meanwhile my weight hasn't changed a lot. I'm still somewhere between 55-60 kilos. But I have peroids of eating hardly anbything and also periods of eating way over limits, binging. I don't step on the scale anymore. I can't do it before I feel comfortable with my body.

I've been drinking a lot. I've been smoking a lot of weed and I've also been taking wyeth temesta pills to make me sleep better and also help with some of my anxiety. If anyone has experience with these particular pills how does it feel when you stop taking them? Is there side-effects?

Anyways, just wanted to update a little bit. I might start posting again since I believe it would probably help me be more motivated about weight loss again. At the moment I'd be so pleased with 50 kilos.

Hope everyone's doing well!

Love, Maria

Help

2010-08-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

I have a lot to tell you. And it's all bad...I ate way too much and I drank too much..

Everything went wrong. I had a doctors appointment and I didn't know that they needed to know my weight. I told them not to tell me how much it was, but they wrote it on the paper I got so I saw it anyways. And it's so much, it's 58 kgs. I knew it was over 55 and I was scared that it might be over 60. Thank god it wasn't 60 kilos. I have a lot of hard work ahead of me. First I have to get below 55.

In other news my mom has lost over 15 kilos in a very short time. She's weighs less than me and I'm getting so worried...I've told her not to try and lose more weight. And she hasn't denied trying to lose weight. I can't believe that my mom could actually be having problems with eating. It doesn't make any sense. It freaks me out. My mom should be worried about me not the other way around. I don't know what to do...She has a history of serious depression, she's even been treated in a hospital for that reason, so I guess she's still sensitive to that kind of stuff. Plus she's having an affair. It's so not like her.

I'm confused...

I have to go now, I'll tell you more later.

Slipping

2010-08-26T11:39:00.000-07:00

Today wasn't as good as the rest of the week. Nothing too bad though.

I've had 2 small bananas, 1 apple, 1 egg and 4 (40 kcal) crisp breads. So that's a total of about 400 kilocalories. So it's not bad at all really. I just don't want it to get worse than this that's all. I've been at home all day with nothing to do so I guess that's why I slipped.

Tomorrow I'm busy all day so maybe it'll be easier not to eat. And I still feel very much in control so everything's fine. Obviously there will be days that aren't as good as others, but if I can stick to the foods that I feel comfortable eating and don't binge I can take those "bad" days.

Most likely going to mom's for the weekend. I haven't been eating a lot there lately so I'm not too worried, but there's always a small chance of slipping really badly over there. So I have to keep myself busy all the time and try not to think about food too much. And also my mom will always ask me if there's something I want from the shop (at this point my mind starts going through all the food in the shop and I tell her to bring me this and that) the answer has to be "no thank you, I don't need anything. 'Cause I've noticed that it really doesn't matter if everything I tell her to bring is really healthy and low in calories. If she brings a lot of food, safety food or not it means I'm gonna eat a lot too. So gotta keep that in mind.

When it's going good, it's going great

2010-08-24T06:03:00.001-07:00

I've spent the whole day with dad. And at half past 3 he realised that I hadn't eaten anything yet so I had an egg and an egg white. He was like "is that all you're gonna have?", but not in a bad way, he was just asking. So I told him I'll have something else later (not).

Before that I had eaten a small apple and some coffee. So yet another great day. I'm so proud of myself. I eat so little. And it's starting to show. And the more it shows, the more power I get from it. Right now I feel like nothing can stop me.

Gonna have some more coffee now.

Tired

2010-08-23T06:08:00.000-07:00

So weekend was all about partying. Didn't binge or anything although I was hungover. I mean I ate something but it was all good stuff and I have no regrets really. Honestly I don't think I would've even survived without eating something.

It sucks though that when you drink, you get more than enough energy from drinks alone, so when you drink you get hungry and then when you eat it's way too many calories.

Although drinking actually makes me feel quite skinny instead of bloated. That's weird isn't it? I guess I just feel empty 'cause I haven't eaten anything, but it doesn't matter 'cause it's still a lot of calories.

Today I'm feeling really tired. I'm almost too tired to feel tired anymore. I had to get up early too 'cause I had promised to see my dad's ex girlfriend at 12 and we went for coffee. My dad's stuck in another city right now, 'cause our car broke down. We have no food in the house except a few eggs and some yogurt. I ate two egg whites a while ago. That's all I've had so I'm doing pretty well.

My arm is better now, so I've been doing a lot of push-ups and stuff.

I'm gonna go to bed now. Post more later...

Coffee

2010-08-18T22:39:00.000-07:00

Thanks guys for all the comments.

I'm hoping that even if it does get harder, which hasn't happened yet, but will most likely happen at some point, that I'll be able to remember this feeling and maybe that'll be enough to keep me motivated through those hard times.

Today I had a small apple for breakfast, which felt weird and to be honest made me feel a bit sick. So from now on I'll just have my coffee. I'm not sure that coffee's the best option though when you're almost fasting (I didn't think that I was fasting or anywhere near that but I've hardly eaten anything this week. A few small bananas. I think this is close to fasting) because every time I drink coffee, it's lovely, but it's quite hard on an empty stomach. It goes through the system and leaves you're body feeling like it hasn't seen food in months. This is so hard to explain, but coffee on an empty stomach feels weird, but I like it.

I have to say that I personally don't like having anything that makes feel full when I'm doing well. But having tea, coffee or hot coco makes you feel full for a while, but then you know that it's gonna go away and leave you empty again. That's what I love about coffee. And it even speeds up the metabolism. I don't think that I'd be doing this well without coffee.

It's friday tomorrow and I was invited to a farewell party. Which means drinking. Which means a hangover and that'll be the ultimate test for me. I eat so much when I'm hungover. And I eat things that I never eat unless I'm hungover. Bread, cheese, junk...So the weekend's gonna be hard. I actually might be drinking tomorrow as well, but we'll see.

Have to stay focused!

Should I be worried?

2010-08-18T00:10:00.000-07:00

This feels so easy, a bit too easy actually. I wake up, I drink my coffee, then I'm full for the next like six hours. The six hours go by and I'm starting to feel hungry, I drink another coffee, maybe some juice and the hunger goes away. Then I excercise and after that I might eat a piece of fruit or have something to drink. Then a few hours later I feel really hungry and a bit sick, but I don't eat. The idea of eating hardly even crosses my mind.

I have no idea what has changed although the desire to lose weight is much stronger than it's been in a long time.

This is a great thing I guess. Not wanting to eat. There's no battle. I don't have to count calories, 'cause there's nothing to count. I don't have to make choices, I just don't eat or if I do then it's something like a banana, but I don't care. One small banana in a day? Not a problem.

I'm just not sure if I should trust this feeling. I feel like I should prepare myself for the battle, if things change. It might be stupid to think that it's not gonna get hard sooner or later.

But right now I'm gonna enjoy this being easy and try to tell myself that this is is what I want it to be like. This is what I wanna hold on to...

Empty

2010-08-17T02:18:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful morning. I went to sleep last night with an empty stomach. No late night binges, nothing. Just brushed my teeth and that's all. This morning I woke up feeling so good about yesterday that I didn't want to ruin it by having breakfast. So I just had a big cup of coffee.

Now I feel like I'm about to pass out. But I'm just gonna take it easy and let my body get used to starving again. It's been a while.

I figured since I'm at my hungriest late afternoon and in the evening that I should probably go somewhere, do something so that I don't have to sit around and think about whether I should eat something or not. So I'm gonna hang out with a friend later and I know we have loads to talk about and I'm pretty sure that we're only gonna get coffee.

I'm gonna tell dad that we're gonna eat out, I don't want him to get suspicious or anything. Although he's watched me eat pretty normally for the past couple of months so I don't think he'll get worried anytime soon. But just in case...

I hurt my arm pretty badly yesterday, for doing too many push-ups I suppose. I've done about a hundred every day for two weeks now. Yesterday I did more than that and my left arm wasn't happy about it, so no push-ups today I guess. Gotta let it rest. I have to say that doing push-ups has really made a huge difference in my arms. So hopefully the pain goes away soon enough.

And by the way about the school. It's a kosmetologist school so I'll be a kosmetologist, but also a make up artist in two years. It's what I've wanted to do for a long time and I finally got into the right kind of school. It's a pretty intense two years. Not many holidays and the days are long, like 8 to 10 hours. The school doesn't provide lunch or anything which is actually great. Means that I don't have time to eat anything all day. Except in the evenings of course.

Now I'm gonna take a long hot shower and spend a couple of hours getting myself ready and try to avoid all food which shouldn't be too hard concidering there's nothing in the house to eat.

Back home

2010-08-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

I know I've been gone for a long time and there's no specific reason for it. I just haven't been home much after our trip to London, which was amazing by the way...

I've been at mom's and since the computer over there is used by many people, blogging there is pretty much impossible. Anyways, now I'm back home and will hopefully be blogging regularly again.

My summer's been a total mess. Some days have been great and others not that great at all. I feel like when I finally got one thing in my life right (getting into the school I wanted) everything else went wrong. I wasn't expecting that everything in my life would turn amazing all of a sudden, but I didn't expect everything to fall apart either. So now I'm trying to get things together and in the middle of that I see myself seriously wanting to lose weight again. It's not just wanting to but an actual desire which I've waited for. To me that kind of passion is necessary or I know I'll fail.

I also finally got the permission to start working out again. And I already feel the difference. I've been running a lot. I really missed running.

So weight loss wise things are finally looking good. I have a long way to go, but now I can at least say that I'm on my way. I have no idea about my weight at the moment. The scale and I haven't been too close lately. Ha ha. I wonder why...But as soon as I get the courage to weigh in I'll let you know how bad the situation is, I'm thinking 58 kilos? Maybe even more...

Today I've had a banana and a few cups of coffee. It's 7:30 pm and I feel alright. This is what every day should be like.

I have a lot of catching up to do on everyone's blogs. So better get to it.

SHIT!

2010-06-14T03:17:00.000-07:00

I accidentally gave my dad a map, that I thought was empty, 'cause he needed one. It turned out to be a map from last year that had lots of details about my diet, intakes, current weights and goals.

Dad gave it back and said that it wasn't empty and had some sort of "calculations". I know he read everything on it, 'cause he had it for a few days and I'm sure he was curious. He did pretend that he doesn't really know what it was about, but he did mention that it was something related to weight loss. And now he knows how little I ate for months. It's not healthy to eat 100-300 kilocalories a day and everybody knows that.

I feel so ashamed. I don't want him to know. I pretended like it was nothing, but inside I panicked. If he read everything on it, then I'm screwed. He didn't ask me anything about it, he jst gave it back. No questions whatsoever. Weird.

He knows that I eat more these days and I don't think he's too worried anymore, but I think seeing all those numbers and everything made him realise how sick I've been. He knows that he didn't get worried for nothing. He knows that I've had problems with eating and that it never goes away, even though I'm not as skinny anymore.

I'm just gonna try to forget that he ever saw it, 'cause there's nothing I can do about it anymore.

In other news, I'm going to London this Saturday. Can't wait!

BBQ

2010-06-05T00:13:00.000-07:00

Oh, wow! I never imagined I would ever reach almost 200 followers when I started this blog. That's just so amazing. 194 of you reading this blog, that's just wow. Thank you. It deifinitely pushes me to be more creative with my blog and I try to post more, but I'm sure many of you understand that it's easier said than done with everything else going on.

Today we're having a barbeque for my dad's birthday. We already had breakfast together and I had two small pieces of bread, which I'm not happy about, but I had to eat something. Barbeques are difficult. There's always a lot of food, a lot of choices and I usually end up eating everything although I usually have a plan at first. But like always I'm gonna try not to eat anything I'm really gonna regret. And I've noticed that I tend to ask myself "If this was me a year ago would I eat this?" and the answer is usually no. So it works, because right now all I want is to get back to the diet I had last summer.

This is the first official day of summer for us although I haven't been to school or anything, but my sister got her report card today and her summer holiday started today. I have no idea what I'm gonna do this summer. I'm going to London in two weeks with my best friend. But I have no other plans so far.

I have some really bad news by the way. I called the hospital last week and asked about my doctor's apoointment. And they told me that they have rescheduled all post surgery controls, because there are so many back operations during the summer. So I have to wait until 27th of july. Of course I asked if I could start to exercise before that but said I should wait till I hear what the doctor has to say. There gonna take some x-rays and stuff aswell. The phone call obviously made me very upset and I tryed not to cry on the phone. But there's not much I can do. Just gotta deal with it and keep in mind how imortant it is to keep the calories as low as possible because there's no way to burn the extra off.

I'm gonna be at mom's for the next two days, but I'll be back next week. Now I'm off to take a shower and then I gotta make a grocery list for the barbeque. Wish me luck!

Party

2010-05-30T03:00:00.000-07:00

I've been pretty busy all weekend. I was with my best friend on friday and then I came back yesterday for a b-day party. It was a small party, but it was fun and the birthday girl is a very close friend of mine. I had a lot of drinks and ended up eating too much. Strawberries and whipped cream, chips, pop corn. You name it. And drinking means a hangover and a hangover means more food. So I should pretty much just stay away from alcohol.

And today I ended up binging like I knew I would. I do it every time I'm hungover. I ate pizza. I ate chocolate. And for some reason I don't think I'm done yet.

I haven't been taking laxatives for a long time now, but today I'm probably gonna have to. I feel so bloated. I know that it's not gonna change anything, but it makes me feel a tiny bit better. You know the feeling when you just have to get it out of your system.

I hope that this won't happen again and that I can get back to my "normal" diet tomorrow.

Success

2010-05-25T08:24:00.000-07:00

I went for a long walk and when I say long I mean long. Four hours. So definitely burned some calories today. I should walk more, because it's the only way to get a bit of exercise. And my intake, another success. I've had frozen strawberries and coffee. I feel incredible! I can finally say that I'm back on track. And this time I will stay on track.

One thing that's still missing is a regular weigh in. Other than that everything's perfect. I just have to do it! But it's always easier said than done. I'm doing so well and if the number is too high, it'll ruin everything. So I can either weigh in now and if the nuber is too high at least I'll be able to see the pounds dropping or I can wait till I'm sure that I've lost enough, but then I won't see the difference.

So still have to work on a few little things before I'm completely happy with how I'm doing, but I feel amazing and in control and that's enough for now!

Hungry and happy

2010-05-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

Another great day today. Total intake under 600. Appetite's still gone. Been out tanning and went shopping later. I've started to feel hungry all the time again, which is good but I hate the headache that comes with it. Still haven't noticed any changes on my body from the birth control pills, but I guess it's too soon to tell.

Am I the only one that is not olnly obsessed with weight loss, but other things like tanning and shopping too? I spend way too much time in the sun and I have this idea that if I'm really tanned I'll look a lot better. It's actually very similar to the weight loss thing. Doing what ever it takes to look as good as you can. Shopping is also sort of the same. I spend way too much money on bags, shoes and clothes that I don't really even need. I just want them because I think that they make me look better.

I guess my point is I've noticed that I obsess over a lot of things that have something to do with my appearance. Although when it comes to my body it's a lot more extreme...

Biggest loser is on so I'm gonna go now. Have a good weekend everyone! I know I will, being in control again feels so amazing.

Sun

2010-05-20T08:12:00.000-07:00

Today's been really amazing. After looking at those pictures last night I was so motivated today. I had a coffee in the morning and then I went to the beach for the whole day with my friend. She bought loads of cookies and I bought two small apples. She offered me cookies, but I kindly refused. We were out for seven hours and I ate my two apples.

Now it's six pm and I had some low fat yogurt when I came back so my intake is probably around 200 kilocalories (those apples were really tiny). I have no idea what to eat later. I'd love to not eat anything, but I'm not feeling well after a whole day of sunbathing so I think eating something small is necessary.

I still don't feel comfortable in a bikini, but my stomach is a lot slimmer now and I think that if I keep eating like this I will lose the weight. My upper body isn't the problem though, the problem area is everything from my hips down. My legs and my ass is where all the fat is. I need to workout so bad. And I still have to wait for a month. Sigh.

983

2010-05-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

I can't stop looking at pictures of me at my thinnest. I have 983 pictures of my body on my computer. When I was constantly losing weight I took pictures of my body every day.

Sometimes I feel like deleting all of them. Looking at them makes me cry. But I can't delete them. Because they inspire me more than anything.

I miss being thin more than anything or anyone I've ever missed.

What a beautiful morning

2010-05-17T02:35:00.000-07:00

The weather seems to have a huge impact on my appetite. Still don't feel like eating anything else, but fruits and salads. It's almost +25 degrees, which is unbelievable this early on. I went for a walk this morning and bought two small apples and diet coke for breakfast. It was lovely. It wasn't a long walk though, (I was wearing high heels) only about a half an hour.

I've been trying on bikinis for the first time this year and I took a couple of pictures too. The difference to last year is huge.

This is what my body looks like after a year of binge eating and no exercise whatsoever. I looked even worse than this a few months ago (yes it is possible to look worse than this).

My stomach is big and bloated, I have no waist, my arms are huge and not to even mention my thighs that I'm too embarrased to show you. Bones are hidden somewhere really deep. This is a total nightmare compared to what my body was like the same time last year. I have no idea how I'm gonna be able to wear a bikini this summer. I love tanning and I love spending time at the beach, but it's no fun when you're afraid of being mistaken as a whale.

And I hate not being able to workout. Thank god there's only a month before the doctor's appointment and hopefully my back's gonna be ok and I'll be able to exerice again. I can't wait to be able to run. I miss running so much.

Through it all

2010-05-16T07:15:00.000-07:00

Hi guys! And thank you so much for the comments on the birth control pill post.

Lately I've felt like this blog is totally useless to everyone reading it, because it used to be about control, restricting and constantly losing weight and now that I haven't had that sort of strength anymore, the posts are all over the place and far from inspiring. And I need this blog to be inspiring otherwhise I feel like there is no reason writing it.

I hope that this isn't something permanent and once I can exercise again and be healthy I will find that strength again. I will never give up.

There is nothing worse than experiencing being thin and then not being able to stay thin. And when you know what it feels like to be thin (and with thin I don't necessarily mean thin enough) you'll never be happy with anything else. You know that there is a way to get there, you know that you can get there and when you're not there you feel lost and unhappy. And that's how I've felt for a long time now.

However this weekend was a huge step to the right direction. I don't know whether it was because of the heat (yes, it's indeed hot in Finland) or something else, but I had no appetite. I spent literally the whole weekend at my mom's balcony tanning and I skipped all family dinners and the only thing I ate was low calorie popsicles and some salad. And having even that much strength at mom's, where I can never control my eating, was pretty amazing. And I had my period too and usually I have a lot of cravings during my period.

Days like these give me a lot of hope that I might achieve those low numbers again. I'm really sorry that my blog's been so uninspiring lately. I really miss writing stuff like "I've lost 7 pounds in two weeks" and I wish my posts were still like that, but it is what it is now. But I'm working on it and sooner or later I can hopefully make this blog inspiring again.

I wouldn't want to delete the whole blog just because I'm having a hard time losing weight. That is something I have the power to change. And it will change. Just wait and see.

About birth control pills

2010-05-13T08:04:00.000-07:00

I started taking birth control pills and I'm worried they'll make me gain weight. A few of my friends say they've gained a lot of weight because of birth control pills and some say they haven't gained any weight at all. So it's a bit confusing.

What are your experiences about them. Any other side-effects? I know that the effects are different for everyone, but I'd still like to hear. How about the effects on skin? I've heard that birth control pills can be good for bad skin.

In other news I've been a total pig today. We went on a pique-nique and we had grapes, cookies, liquorice and ice cream. Trying not to eat anything else today, because I've obviously had more than enough energy for one day.

Sub

2010-05-11T06:29:00.000-07:00

I've had two good days in a row. Yesterday my intake was around 700 kilocalories and today I'm at 500 (and it's almost 5 pm). Yesterday's biggest achievement was not eating any bread and today I skipped breakfast.

I was actually not suppose to eat anything all day, but a friend pretty much forced me to eat with her at subway so the 500 kilocalories is all from that. I know it was bad for me, but if I hadn't eaten it, I'm sure I would've been really hungry later and I might have binged on something even worse than that.

The good thing about eating in public or with a friend is that you can't really binge. And even if you feel like going home and eating more, there's enough time for your body and brain to realise that what you ate was actually enough and that you're not hungry anymore.

And it really works. I felt full after eating that 15 cm sub and after 3 hours I'm still full and I didn't feel like eating anything when I came home.

I hope I can keep my total intake under 800 today.

Mess

2010-05-06T00:47:00.000-07:00

Things are so fucked up. After May day I lost all control. I got really wasted and we went to pick up hamburgers on the way back to my friend's place. I hadn't eaten a hamburger in 3 years. So I felt like it was the biggest failure so far. And then I went to mom's for the rest of the weekend and due to having a bad hangover I binged. Which was another huge failure, because I've been able to stay away from binges for so long. Drinking was bad enough already...

Looks like I'm completely off track again. And this is the most important time of the year to be doing well. I have no idea how I did it last year, because this year it seems so impossible. This time last year I was under 50 kilos and felt pretty good in a bikini. Now I can't even stand the thought of someone seeing me in a bikini.

I was proud of myself this morning though. Breakfast has become a part of my daily routine, which is funny because it used to be the least important meal of the day to me. I hardly ever ate breakfast. Anyway today I was toasting two pieces of bread, but before they popped out, I pressed "cancel" and threw them away. I have no idea what gave me the strenght to do it, but I'm happy that I did it. Now I know that I still have some of that strenght left in me that I used to have.

I settled for coffee. And now I feel amazing. Even the smallest steps can really make a difference.
I have a lot of cleaning to do today, which will hopefully keep me busy. I need to skip both lunch and dinner today.

Busy

2010-04-28T12:00:00.001-07:00

Hi guys, sorry for the lack of updates.

I've been really busy. And looks like I'm gonna be busy for the next few days as well. But I think I'm just gonna enjoy being busy because I never get to be busy. I'm gonna go to Helsinki tomorrow for the whole day and then later tomorrow on my way back I'm gonna see a friend. And then on friday I've promised to do a few things for dad and then I'm spending the evening with a friend to celebrate May day, Labor day, Walburgis night (or what ever you wanna call it) together. People love the first of may here, because it's one of those days that everyone is out (if it's warm enough) drinking.

Anyway, I'll catch up on your blogs as soon as possible.

I've had a pretty simple and boring diet now, which has been nice. And I'm bingeing a lot less. Actually I can't remember the last time I felt sick and bloated for eating too much. So that's a really big difference.

Just to give you an idea of what I've been eating, today I've had two eggs, vegetables, two pieces of rye bread and strawberries. Oh and coffee of course! So it's a lot of food, but I'm happy anyway, because it's been easy.

And like I've said before, the best way to do this is soing it slowly. Day by day. After more than a year of a constant battle to lose weight I can say that taking it slowly step by step is the only way to more permanent results. And I'm sure some of you agree with me on that.

No I gotta go, but I hope everyone's doing great and staying positive!

Pizza

2010-04-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

Hi guys! I'm working on the video post, but it's a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. So you'll probably get a video in a few days.

Today started out pretty good. I had 130 kilocalories worth oatmeal in the morning and some spinach soup later. And I thought I was done. I wasn't hungry or anything and I was suppose to stay home tonight. Just watching movies and stuff.

Then a friend of mine called me at 7 and told me she was in town (she wasn't suppose to be) and she wanted to see me. So I said I could meet her at her place and we could go to the movies or something later.

I have no idea how we ended up sitting in a restaurant eating BBQ-chicken pizza. I was sure that today was a good day. I had a feeling this morning that there was nothing that could ruin my day. But there sure was, pizza! We had so much fun though. I was really happy to see her instead of spending the whole night at home, alone. But it sucks that there always seems to be food around whenever I'm having fun. Can't people have fun without it having anything to do with food?

And why pizza? There was so many choices so why pizza? I'm glad that it was only half a pizza, because we only ordered one together and shared it istead of two pizzas. But anyway, pizza. What was I thinking?

So today wasn't a good day after all and I feel really disappointed. And what bothers me most is that I didn't have to eat pizza. I didn't have to eat anything.

I'm going to try again tomorrow. I actually want to skip breakfast tomorrow to see if it helps. I don't think there's anything wrong with having something small in the morning such as a piece of fruit, but I still want to give it a try. So no break fast tomorrow and hopefully no lunch and no dinner. I deserve to starve a little after eating that pizza tonight.

And no eating out from now on. Seriously.

Good night everyone!

Down

2010-04-23T06:44:00.000-07:00

Guys, this isn't working. I feel so miserable about everything and especially my body.

I was looking at my legs today and I seriously felt like taking the sciccors and cutting off all the fat. There is no way I can wear a bikini if I look like this. No way! This is going to be one of those summers that I have to find ways to cover my body when all I want to do is wear a tiny bikini every where and know that I look hot.

I need this summer to be amazing. And I have some pretty sweet plans too. But it just won't be fun if I don't feel comfortable in my own body.

And I must weigh over 55 kilos again I'm sure. I've been eating like an obese middle aged man instead of like someone that wants to be fit for the summer. So yeah, I'm not doing too well. Me and my best friend were both actually on a diet together, but we both slipped. I don't think it's as important to her as it is to me to lose weight. But she actually seems more focused than me. I somehow need to pull myself together and stop eating like this.

It's just that there are so many things on my mind that I can't even think clearly.

I want to post a video for you guys, but I have to say that I'm a bit nervous to show you my face and let you hear my voice. What if there is someone I know sees it and recognizes me? And I don't know if I should speak finnish or english. But I'm gonna try to come up with something for you because I really want you to see a bit more of me. But we'll see.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Intake

2010-04-21T04:27:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted my intake in a long time, because I haven't even been counting calories.

I had a piece of toast for break fast and I already felt like I failed the whole day. I have no idea what it is about eating bread that makes me feel so bad about myself. A piece of toast is actually only about 60-80 kilocalories, which isn't an awful lot if you think about it.

So even though I felt like there was nothing I could do to make up for eating bread I decided to count everything I eat today to get an idea of my average intake these days. Counting calories and slowly starting to restrict again is what I need to focus on now.

The total intake so far today according to the calorie calculator I use is 436 kilocalories. And I already feel like I've eaten way too much. I wasn't as disappointed as I thought I was going to be.

I'd be really happy if I could keep my total intake around 800-1000 kilocalories. I think I can do that. I still have a few hundred kilocalories left for today.

Panic

2010-04-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

What the fuck am I doing? I was suppose to be fit for the summer and I've completely lost control again. This is not right. This is not the way it was suppose to be. I've been eating way too much these past few days and I haven't even tried. And I haven't set foot on the scale yet.

What is wrong with me? Didn't I wanna be thin? Am I giving up again?

I'm starting to feel like whenever I feel happy for a while, whenever I get a glimpse of life then I screw everything up weight loss wise. Is it not possible for me to lose weight and be happy at the same time? Apparently not.

I've tried and tried and tried to balance these two things. Living and losing weight. It is impossible. I'm either happy and fat or unhappy and thin (well not that I've ever really been thin enough though). And "thin enough"? There isn't such thing. So what does it all mean? It means that I'll never be happy.

I had a really good day today. I spent the day with one of my closest friends. We went to a café and then to her place and just talked, laughed and made plans for the summer. It was lovely. And it was so warm that we were able to sit outside in the sun.

Days like today just make me forget that I'm not suppose to eat certain things. Days like today make me feel so good about everything that for a while I think that I can eat whatever I feel like eating, because that's pretty much what any happy person would do. Exept I'm not a happy person. I'm a person that will cry over everything she's eaten because all she wanted was to go to bed on an empty stomach. And it never goes away. It's gonna stay with you forever and keep you from being happy.

I'm sorry. This is such a sad post. But it's how I feel and that, I can't change.

Hungover

2010-04-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty good weekend. Yesterday I ended up beyond wasted at a summer cottage. It was fun although I do have some regrets such as fucking this guy I've been trying really hard to forget for the last three months.

And today's been pretty bad both emotionally and physically. I was really hungry all day too. I always get hungry after a lot of drinking. I ate some pretty bad stuff such as noodles and bread simply because there was nothing else to eat and I wanted to basically eat anything we had.

I'm really tired too. We went to bed around 7 am, but ended up not sleeping, but doing other things. I don't really mind being tired though. I don't go to school or work right now so I get enough sleep whenever I want to.

In fact I should probably go to bed now and try to forget everything that happened. I need to forget everything that happened. Sleeping won't make me forget obviously, but it might clear out my head a little bit.

I wonder if I'll ever be happy with the way my life is. Right now it seems like an impossible idea...

Working

2010-04-15T05:51:00.000-07:00

Hi guys!

I woke up early today and was happy to discover that my grandpa had made me a really nice fruit salad for break fast. And I didn't have to struggle trying to figure out something sensible to eat and then going for something unhealthy anyway. So thank you grandpa!

I'm working for my dad at the moment as his "assistant". He needed to hire an assistant to do all his paper work for the university and he hired me. He obviously doesn't pay me much, 'cause it's not like a real job and I'm a family member, but at least I have something to do while other people are at school or at work. Right now I'm going through his book collection, which is really hard actually. I have to carry loads of boxes, then clean hundreds of books, make all kinds of lists and register all the books into a system. Dad left me four giant boxes of books to finish this week, so I've been busy going through them today.

Which means that after break fast I haven't had time to think about food at all. I'm probably just gonna eat dinner whatever it'll be. It can't be that bad, since I haven't eaten anything but a few fruits all day.

I haven't decided if I should go to mom's this weekend or not. I could stay home and have the whole house to myself for a few days (and eat as little as possible) before dad gets back from Belgium or I could go to mom's (high risk of over eating and binging) and visit grandma. I'd really love to see her. I couldn't go to her place the last time I was there, 'cause I got sick and she's about to have her first cancer treatments next week and she can't be sick or she has to wait for another few weeks. So I should probably go, but we'll see...

What else? Oh, I still don't know how much I weigh. But I'm guessing 54-55 kilos. I don't think I've gained more than a kilo, but I don't think I've lost any weight either. So yeah, really don't know...

Have to weigh in tomorrow! No excuses. What ever the number will be, I'm sure I can take it. So you'll get stats first thing tomorrow, that's a promise.

Cleaning day

2010-04-14T05:03:00.000-07:00

I've had the most boring day ever.

Woke up, went to the solarium (note: no break fast) came back, took a shower and then did some major cleaning.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but my dad's in Blegium this week (I wish he would've taken me with him) so I have to take care of the house and my sister as well. Anyway it took me hours to get this place clean, the last time anyone's been cleaning was probably before I came back from the hospital, which was ages ago. And since it's so lovely and warm outside I even opened the windows for a while to get some fresh air in.

Once I had done everything I made some spinach soup (67 kcal/100 ml, I had about 200 ml) and boiled an egg. And that was my lunch at 3 pm.

My sister came home and I asked her to clean up her room before she goes out and she started shouting at me. We seriously fight twice a day. She tells me I should just mind my own business, but if I did she would never even lift a finger. I think one of the reasons we don't really get along is that we have such a small age difference. Well, I'm probably moving out of the house this summer and she is beyond happy about it.

Our grampa's gonna come by today and he's probably bringing loads of food with him so I have to make sure that I don't go crazy and eat everything at once. Usually when he comes over he wants to eat out or get take-away food, which is not what I would prefer so I usually make myself something else instead. Except sometimes if there's indian food, chinese or sushi, I crack...

I should weigh in tomorrow morning. It's been way too long since the last time.

Stay strong!

Edit:

Just wanted to let you know that I cracked. He brought chinese. I didn't eat the whole thing though, so it wasn't as bad as it could've been...

Spring

2010-04-13T00:40:00.000-07:00

So my appetite is back. I've still managed to stay out of binges and actually been eating way less than before I was sick. And I have a lot more energy.

One thing I think is beyond amazing is that I seem to be able to stop eating when I'm full and actually wait for the next time I'm hungry till I eat again. This is something I've never in my life been able to do. I don't think that this is a permanent thing though, it's something I have to work on for the rest of my life and I know that. But progress is progress.

By the way I read some of the posts I saved the first time I deleted everything which was over a year ago. There was one post that I think really shows how much my goals have changed. I wrote it about a year ago and the day before that I had planned to eat less than 200 kilocalories the next day. I ended up eating 241 kilocalories instead and I was so mad at myself. For 41 extra kilocalories. Now 241 kcals sound like an amazing achievement and 41 kcals like nothing.

I thought I could repost some of the oldest posts I have from like a year ago. I think they might be motivating. I had so much self control back then. Just tell me if it sounds like a bad idea.

Sick

2010-04-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning when I woke up I felt a little sick. Went to the bathroom and realised I felt more than just a little sick. After I went back to bed I told my mom that I was about to throw up any minute. I threw up about 30 times and I had a really high fever all day, but the next morning I felt way better.

And now I feel a bit tired and I can't eat anything but otherwise I'm ok.

So, yeah. I was expecting a weekend full of food at mom's and instead I got a weekend with no food at all. Being sick sucks though. The only good thing about it is not being able to eat anything...

Anyway hopefully I won't feel like eating for another few days and maybe even lose some weight.

Grocery shopping

2010-04-08T13:25:00.000-07:00

Today wasn't good. It started out great though.

I had nothing till like 1 pm and then I went shopping with my dad to this mall his girlfriend works at. Dad wanted to go to the grocery store together after we left and I agreed to go. I thought it would be a great thing. I could buy all sorts of healthy stuff, lots of vegetables and fruits and diet stuff that we normally don't have. And I did.

The problem was that when I came home I realised that there was too much food even though it was healthy. Just too much. When you're really hungry and don't really know what exactly you wanna eat the last thing you want is too much choices.

I couldn't decide what I should eat so I ended up eating a bit of everything. And now I feel like I have a basket ball in my stomach. And I feel guilt.

I was so used to having these certain things in the fridge and buying different things fucked everything up. I should've just stayed with the safe stuff and not get too excited about food. Boring food is always better.

Now I'm just hoping that this day won't screw everything up, I've been doing so well lately.

Current stats

2010-04-07T02:56:00.000-07:00

In two weeks:

Weight: 54 kg (-3 kg)

Waist: 22 inches (-1 inch)

Reply

2010-04-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

I wanted to answer minaralou's comment on here, 'cause I didn't really go into details about what I actually ate during the Denmark trip earlier and some of you may wanna know how I managed to lose 3 kilos in such a short time. I have to say though that I probably didn't lose all 3 kilos in Denmark, you have to remember that I didn't weigh in for a week or so before leaving.

Anyway. First we spent about 8 hours in the boat on our way to Stockholm. I've mentioned before that I don't like eating a lot in public, so I tried to avoid it by drinking coffee and chewing gum instead of eating sandwiches with mayo like everyone else did. I had a small yoghurt and a lot of coffee but nothing else really.

Then on the bus during those next 8 hours I only had a piece of rye bread and some juice. We made a couple of stops, but I only had euros with me so I couldn't buy anything, which was good.

Then for the next 5 days my breakfast included a cup of coffee, an apple and sometimes even a piece of bread (it was really hard not to eat any bread, because all we had to eat was bread, bread and more bread). Anyway then for lunch there was always bread and salads. Again tried to avoid the bread and only have salad, but sometimes there was no salad so I went for the bread. For dinner we mainly had rice (there's always rice when it comes to persian food) and usually beans with some sauce and some meat, sometimes chicken, sometimes lamb or pork.

One thing that was really hard was that there was this nice lady who gave us the food and the portions were huge. So I always tried to tell her to give me less rice, but she only spoke persian so I usually had to throw food away and I don't like wasting food.

There wasn't any snacking between meals which I think was one of the reasons I managed to lose weight instead of gaining. We didn't actually walk that much and I didn't exercise at all obviously 'cause I'm not allowed to, so it was all diet. I've always gained weight during travelling, but it's probably been because of eating out all the time and we didn't really do that in Denmark, which I think also helped a lot. And I didn't eat anything "bad" such as sweets, chips or any of that.

Over all I'm really proud of myself and it's nice to realise that travelling doesn't always require weight gain.

Back from Denmark, skinnier

2010-04-05T22:41:00.000-07:00

I just came back from Denmark and I have to say that it was the most exhausting 6 days in my life! First 8 hours on the boat to get to Stockholm and then 9 hours or so to get to Denmark. And then the same thing all over again coming back. We stayed in this quite small town near Copenhagen. I had a lot of fun and we had a big group of people so it was nice.

Now to the interesting part. You'd think that a 6-day trip would make you gain a few pounds, at least I was a hundred percent sure of that. Especially with all that delicious persian food we ate there most of the time, loads of rice (in our group most of the people were persian). But instead of gaining weight I lost 7 pounds! I had to weigh in the second I came home and I gotta say it felt pretty good! Losing 3 kilos in such a short period of time always feels just as good.

So now I'm 54 kg, 119 lbs. This definitely gave me a lot more confidence weight loss wise. I know that I can do it. 54 kilos isn't that bad actually, it's just 4 kilos from being 50 kilos and 2 kilos from reaching my first goal.

Anyways just wanted to share these good news with you and by the way thanks for all the lovely comments on the pictures I posted, they gave me strenght! I'm gonna go to bed now, I've never been this tired (slept like 2 to 3 hours a night for 6 nights).

Have a great day guys!

Denmark

2010-03-31T07:28:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving tomorrow morning. Done packing already. So I'll be gone for 6 days and probably won't be blogging until I get back. I hope everything goes well and I won't be eating too much. I really wanna stick to this diet...

I ate spinach soup for dinner and had a banana earlier today. Don't really wanna eat more than that today, but we'll see. Might have something later though...

Have a good easter holiday guys (if you have an easter holiday that is, we have one here in Finland) and don't eat too much chocolate! I'm actually glad I'm not around this easter, 'cause to me easter is chocolate and I mean loads of chocolate.

I have to do a couple of things now and then I'm gonna go to bed, I have to get up really early tomorrow.

Happy easter!

Reposting pictures

2010-03-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

I'm reposting some pictures you might have already seen.

Now I'm about 5 kilos bigger than in these pictures so I have a lot to do to get there again. Will take some new pictures soon so you'll get to see what an extra 5 kilos look like.

17.9.2009

28.5.2009

18.4.2009

28.6.2009

3.9.2009

Stuck

2010-03-30T03:21:00.000-07:00

Oh god, this is so stupid and so funny.

This morning dad had left me some money on our kitchen table so that when I'd wake up I could go and get myself something from the shop, 'cause our fridge is empty and there's nothing to eat. So I took a shower, got dressed and was ready to go buy fruits, veggies, milk, eggs and stuff like that. I got to the door and it wouldn't open. I tried and tried and tried and tried, but I just couldn't get it open. I got pissed off and tried kicking it as hard as I could, but nothing worked. So I gave up.

And now I'm stuck inside and can't get any food, which is probably for the best anyway. But it would be nice to get out of the house some time today. I mean I'm glad I can't go buy food but I have other things to do as well. I should probably call dad, but if he's working there's nothing he can do.

It's almost 2 pm and I've had a glass of juice so far. We have coffee, frozen veggies and tuna fish, but that's it. There's nothing else. I just wish we had fruits that's all.

I'm gonna go make myself some coffee now.

Edit:

Ended up sending my sister to the shop (she can apparently open the door without a struggle) and she came back with apples, eggs and low cal blueberry soup (low cal indeed, 8 kcal/100 ml). I was so happy to have something sensible to eat. Otherwise I probably would've ended up binging on bread or something else as bad.

Period

2010-03-29T06:03:00.000-07:00

So I know I said I'd weigh in every morning from now on. But then I made a decision not to do so while having my period. And I got my period yesterday so I haven't weighed in this morning. And I was at mom's over the weekend and I don't have a scale there so I basically haven't weighed in since Friday.

I'm sure I haven't gained more weight though I feel bloated from period. I haven't been eating anything but healthy and low cal food. And so far there's been no period cravings or binging. All I've had today is an apple and two cups of coffee. So if I weigh more then I know that it's only water weight.

There's only two days before my Denmark trip so there's not much I can do before that, except eat as little as possible of course. I'd like to weigh myself right before I leave, so that would be early Thursday morning then. If I haven't lost any weight what so ever then I know that there will be like no food in Denmark and if I have then I'm gonna keep eating the way I do now and see where that takes me.

I hope that there will be no more food tonight. I really need to not binge. So if I feel like eating something later I need to go for something as low in calories as possible. Don't know what that could be yet...

Have to go now. Take care everyone!

Stats, finally

2010-03-26T01:28:00.001-07:00

I finally did what I should've done a long time ago. I weighed myself and took my measurements. And I'm glad I did even though the results were more than disappointing. I've put on a lot of weight. Maybe some of it is just water weight for having my period? Or maybe not. It doesn't really matter.

Current weight: 57 kg

Waist: 23
Arms: 10
Thighs: 21
Hips: 34

Goal weight: 50 kg

From now on I'm gonna weigh myself every morning. And I would love to reach that goal weight before the summer, but I would settle for 52 kilos too. 5-7 kilos in two months? I will try. 57 kg would not look good in a bikini.

5 days before Denmark.

Morning

2010-03-22T00:33:00.000-07:00

Good morning beauties!

I've had the best morning so far. I woke up early because the sun was shining so bright and although there's still loads of snow everywhere I thought the weather was lovely.

So I just got up instead of spending the whole day in bed and made myself breakfast. I had egg whites and coffee. I love drinking coffee in the morning. And dad bought me that espresso machine so I've been drinking loads of espresso lately.

I'm gonna do a bit of shopping today. So I'm thinking I could skip lunch and grab a coffee instead. I'm never that hungry before like afternoon so not really a fan of lunch or breakfast but it's good to eat something in the morning just for the sake of metabolism. Anyways skipping lunch sounds good. I'm not sure what to have for dinner yet, but it definitely has to be something carb free.

Have a great day everone!

Edit:

Bad news: didn't skip lunch after all. Good news: I had less than 100 grams of frozen veggies. The best lunch I've had in months. I'm proud of myself. I'm doing so well for a change. And I even have my period. Usually with period comes major binging. But not this time.

I'm going to Denmark in less than two weeks and I have to get comfortable with this diet before the trip if you know what I mean. I want to get so used to eating like this that there's no way I could screw it up. Travelling will not be an excuse to change the rules this time.

Sunday

2010-03-21T07:39:00.000-07:00

Hi guys!

I'm doing pretty good, although my back's been killing me lately. I'm in so much pain all the time that I can hardly move. I have no idea what's wrong with it. I don't think that it's normal to be in this much pain even though I recently had that operation...

Yesterday evening was all about food. Tons of food. So much that I was about to throw up. So much that when I woke up today I was still full from last night. Usually I'm not all bloated in the morning from the night before no matter how much I've eaten.

Today's been way better. I had 3 egg whites, 50 grams of white beans and mango tea for breakfast. For lunch I made a tuna fish salad. 50 grams of tuna, 1 tomato, half a cucumber and one dried tomato. And then I had coffee with a friend and another coffee on the train. So I think I did pretty well. It sounds like a lot of food, but it's all healthy stuff which is good.

I decided to give up all junk food, bread, pasta, cheese, egg yolks and pretty much everything high in calories or high in carbs. This new diet officially starts tomorrow, but I wanted to start today, because I think eating loads of crap today would just be stupid and I mean why not start right away if I wanna do this.

I hope I can finally do this. And why couldn't I? It's not like this is the most high flying plan or anything. Actually this should be totally doable.

Weekend

2010-03-14T10:13:00.001-07:00

I had a horrible, horrible weekend food wise. Like a total disaster. What can I say, there was chocolate, home made pizza and loads of other junk I should not have eaten. And hopefully will never eat again.

I still haven't been eating before the sun goes down though.

Today's been way better. I feel like yesterday I finally realised that I can't go on like this. I was still full from all that food and far from hunger and I think we all know how easy it is to make a decision like that after a binge.

But I was hungry all day today. I felt that emptyness in my head. I couldn't think clearly...
Everything felt blurry. But I didn't eat. And that's when you know you can do it, not right after a binge.

So I came home and when the sun went down I made myself a cup of coffee, ate a banana and realised I can keep eating till I feel like shit or I can stop. I stopped. The worst hunger pains were gone immeadiately and after 10 minutes the hunger was gone and I made a decision that that's enough.

From now on it needs to be enough.

A bad day

2010-03-10T04:21:00.000-08:00

I ate way too much tonight. And I screwed up last night as well.

Anyhow, after eating loads of pasta I took laxatives although I sort of promised myself not to take them anymore. But then again, I shouldn't have eaten the pasta either. I don't know...Laxatives won't help though and I should know that.

It's just that when I eat nothing till 6 pm and then suddenly start eating I get too full too soon. My stomach turns into a balloon and then I feel disgusting. And then I feel like taking laxatives. I'm happy though that this was the first time in a long time. The last time I took laxatives was before I went to Israel.

I need to try a little harder if I wanna lose any weight before the summer.

A good day

2010-03-09T09:01:00.000-08:00

I didn't eat or drink anything before just now and it's 7 pm. I made myself a strawberry smoothie (just frozen strawberries and a bit of low fat yogurt) a cup of cappuccino and 2 small pieces of bread. And my stomach is so full right now.

Normally when I start eating I won't be able to stop until I'm like about to throw up, but today is different. I don't feel that urge to eat everything we have in the house. This is a really good day.

Hopefully I won't eat anything else tonight and then the next time I eat is tomorrow after 6 pm.

Although my fast didn't work out the way it should've I'm very proud of myself for not eating or drinking anything between 6 am and 6 pm. I'm left with a lot less time to eat every day.

So over all I'm doing better than expected today.

Fat legs, fat girl

2010-03-04T09:19:00.000-08:00

I am so fat. I still don't know how much I weigh, but I can tell by just looking at my legs. I have gained a lot of weight. I've never had skinny legs, but when I was at my lowest they were pretty small. I did a lot of exercise then though. Now my legs are just fat instead of muscle. And they're huge.

I need to weigh in soon, not knowing is driving me crazy. Makes me even more paranoid. I know that I couldn't possibly gained more than six kilos or something, but sometimes I get this feeling that I must've gained like 15 kilos and then I panic.

Right now I'm probably somewhere between 55 and 57 kilos and I need to be 52ish. 52 is probably my short term goal, something I could definitely live with. So 52 kilos is my goal, just have to weigh in so that I know how far I am from reaching it.

P.s Does anyone else love to read their dad's Men's Health magazines? I think they're way better than any women's diet magazine...

Day three

2010-03-04T04:52:00.000-08:00

I've been "fasting" now for three days. Before I started I said I couldn't eat or drink during day time, but if I had to I could eat or drink after sun goes down. So what has happened is that I ate last night. I didn't have much food though. Just a few pieces of fruit.

Anyhow, I don't think you can call this fasting anymore. But 20 days is a long, long time so this is just going to be my version of a 20-day fast. And I'm doing well compared to the last 4 months, so I don't think I should give up on this so called fast yet.

I guess this is more of a 20-day diet than a fast.

EDIT:

Ok, so now I really feel like shit. I totally let myself and you guys down by already sort of breaking my fast. I feel so stupid for letting you think I could do it. I just don't know what to do. Clearly 20 days without food is an impossible mission. I thought it wouldn't be, because I'm so fat that I should like never ever want to eat again, but it doesn't like that.

I do feel kind of in control though, more than in a long long time, so I guess that's something I should be really excited about. I'm just gonna have to keep going on, and try not to even think about eating.

I was looking at some pictures of me at my lowest weight and I felt so miserable. Why oh why did I let myself gain? I looked good (although that's not how I felt at the time, I wanted to lose a lot more then) and I would do anything to have that body back. And I mean I think I can do it, it's just gonna take some time and I have to work hard. Because a lot of hard work was put in to getting there, so obviously I need to do that this time as well.

I'll do anything to get that body back for this summer. The only difference is I have to do it without workout and it can be challenging. (Yeah, it sucks not being able to exercise for another five months.)

Day one

2010-03-02T01:12:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 6 am this morning to drink some water and then I went back to bed.

Now I'm sitting in our kitchen. There's a lot of food around me. I don't really feel like eating anything, but this is only the first day, so it's easy to say that. I mean I have 19 more day after this one.

But what I like about fasting is that it's so simple. I don't have to think about what to eat and how much. I just don't eat. I've actually been pretty good at fasting. And now that even my dad's ok with this I have any excuses to fail.

So yes, it is day one. But I have a good feeling about this already.

I'm ready

2010-03-01T01:15:00.000-08:00

So the fast starts tomorrow. 20 days is a long time and I might have to eat something every few days, but the rule is that I can't have anything (not even water) during the day time. If I want to eat something I have to get up really early and can only have liquids or fruits. But during the day I can have absolutely nothing.

I'm really excited. I hope I can lose at least 2 kilos in two and a half weeks and I'm pretty sure I can do that.

Plus my dad is totally with me on this. I have no idea why, he probably wants me to lose weight as much as I do. I must be getting really fat. (I'm pretty sure I'm about 55 kilos, but it could be more than that.) I honestly don't know whether I can do this for 20 days, but I'm hopeful. I had a real wake up call the last time I weighed in...

Fast

2010-02-28T12:36:00.000-08:00

I'm really tired, just came back from Israel. I loved it, it's a lovely place. I had the most amazing time. Way too much food though! Two weeks there probably made me gain like 10 pounds...

I'm gonna fast for 20 days, starting the day after tomorrow. I've tried to ease myself into weight loss slowly for such a long time and it simply isn't working. So now I'm going to try something a bit (or a lot) more dramatic.

Anyways, tuesday is day 1. Monday isn't day 1, because it's tomorrow and tomorrow is too soon after all this travelling. If anyone wants to join me, even just for a few days or so, you're more than welcome to do so.

I'll let you know how the fast is going, although I might be busy for a few days this week, cause my grandma's having her surgery (she was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of weeks ago, incase I haven't mentioned). and I'm probably gonna keep her company while she's in the hospital.

Let me know if you're fasting duing the next two and a half weeks, ok?

Stay strong!

Did it again

2010-02-09T05:44:00.000-08:00

Deleted all my previous posts. I read each one of them and realised that if I wanna start blogging again I need to get rid of all of them. None of the stuff I've written here before really matter to me now. So here I am once again with an empty blog (that won't actually be empty once you read this).

Hopefully I'll have time to post before I leave to Israel. There's just so much stuff that needs to be done before I can leave. So if you don't hear from me before Saturday that means I didn't find the time to blog. I'll be gone for two weeks, but when I get back I can finally focus on weight loss only.
I'll probably gain another 5 kilos while I'm there, so I have even more of a reason to get back on track.